Not quite what you thought it’d be, right? Nothing works like it does in the books or the movies. Not the ones you have at least.
And yet…
And yet it seems like everyone else knows the rules doesn’t it? They got a fucking manual and we didn’t. Life’s not fair kid, but it’s horrible and messy and wonderful, just like what you’re chasing after.
Has it ever occurred to you that it seems like everyone knows something you don’t because they’re chasing something you aren’t? You ask how to know if a girl likes you, they tell you how to know if a girl is attracted to you. You ask how to let a girl know how you feel, they tell you how to ask her out on a date. There’s something misaligned there, and it’s upsetting, but they seem so confident they’ve got the right answer for you, don’t they?
But you know it’s wrong, at least for you. It’s not the natural progression of things. You’re supposed to be friends first, aren’t you? Share secrets, little stories, inside jokes. Something happens, and you realize it’s grown into something else while you weren’t looking. A crisis and a tender moment, you know?
Doesn’t really align with “scoring”, does it? That’s how they talk about it. Even their language is bent on conquest, and it disgusts you on some level. That they feel that way. That it’s expected of you. The thought that even though you’d never say those words or feel that way in your heart, people will look at you like that, because that’s the expectation. That’s how boys are, and when you notice people think you’re like that too, it hurts.
It’s not how you are or how you think though, is it? You don’t want anything that’s not freely given. You’re desperate to share with someone. To be seen. You want someone who makes you feel safe and wanted. Everything flows from that, doesn’t it? Anything meaningful builds on safety and connection. How can you want someone you don’t know? How can you love someone you doesn’t understand? How can you know someone who is hiding?
I tend to agree with you. You can’t. Love’s not just something you feel, it’s something you do for someone. Not fucking, or a single act, or anything crass like that. Love’s a series of little choices stretching out from here until you grow apart. Choosing to show up at all, and choosing how you show up. Finding ways to make time and space for someone so they can be in your life. That’s all the work that really matters. Those are the things no one seems to talk about.
They’re not talking about it because they’re after something different. That’s the friction and the grossness you’re feeling when you go to them for advice. Sex is the next milestone for them. They want to have sex so they can fall in love. But that’s not how it’s supposed to work is it?
It’s supposed to be the other way around. There’s supposed to be this strong connection, and this overwhelming surge of emotion, and all of the intimacy you’ve built up just by being with each other suddenly isn’t enough, and so you reach for something physical to show someone the depth of your feelings.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting it to be that way, and you aren’t the only person chasing after that. Honestly, there’s no better way to find what you’re after than to let the people near you, the friends you already love, in closer. They’ll see you as you are, and they won’t flinch. Well, most of them anyhow.
There’s nothing more telling than how someone reacts to you crying. Don’t hold back tears, and watch how they respond to you actually being bare and emotional and raw. Never be with anyone who flinches at that. Real love isn’t polished and convenient and easy. It’s messy and awkward and unfiltered. It’s as upsetting and painful as it is beautiful, and anyone who tells you different is selling something.
If you want someone to love you, you-you and not the mask-you, you’re gonna have to drop it. It takes time, but you’ll get it figured out. They handed you the wrong manual kid. You were never a boy in love.